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Defusing Hostile Customers Workbook - Chapter II The Nature of Angry, Hostile and Abusive Behaviour

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So that we are all on the same wavelength here, it would be a good idea to clarify the terms we are going to be using. Angry behaviour is not always the same as hostile or abusive behaviour, and we need to know the difference, since it will affect how we deal with people.

Some Definitions

Anger

Anger refers to an internal state (feeling) experienced by the person in question. An angry person experiences some physiological changes, some invisible and some visible. There are some important things to note about anger, and angry people.

1. People choose their own emotional states. That is, their feeling of anger, or for that matter, any other feeling, belongs to them. As such, it isn't your responsibility. What is your responsibility, however, is to ensure that you don't knowingly or unknowingly do something that they choose to take as anger provoking.

2. We need to accept the fact that people will be angry, at times. They have a right to be angry when they choose. What they do not have a right to do is to take out their anger on you, particularly when you have done nothing to contribute to it. What is important is that you become relatively comfortable with the notion that people will become angry, and that if you spend all your time trying to make people happy, you are doomed to failure.

Angry Behaviour

People express their anger in various ways. Some raise their voices or become more animated. Others turn red. Mild expressions of anger are simply ways a person vents a little steam. As with the feeling of anger, we need to be reasonable in terms of what offends us, and allow the angry person some latitude in behaviour before we may deem the behaviour unacceptable. There is a clear reason for this. If we allow ourselves to be offended every time we encounter angry behaviour, we are going to be pretty darn miserable, and pretty darn ineffective in dealing with other people.

As you will see in a moment, our problem is not angry behaviour, but hostile/abusive behaviour.

Hostile/Abusive Behaviour

What sets apart hostile/abusive behaviour from angry behaviour is that hostile/abusive behaviour is intended, consciously or unconsciously to have some or all of the following effects:

• put you off balance . manipulate and control you
• demean you in some way
• intimidate you
• cause you to feel guilty

It is this kind of behaviour that causes the greater amount of stress for government employees, because people using hostile/abusive behaviours tend to rant, insult, use intimidating tactics, and simply won't go away. While we may tolerate some degree of angry behaviour without being concerned, we need to be concerned about hostile/abusive behaviours. We want to stop these behaviours as professionally as possible. If we can, at the same time, reduce the anger of the client, that's great. If we can't, we need to recognize that the anger belongs to the client.

Verbal Abuse

Verbal abuse takes a great many forms, from very subtle, to very obvious. In this book, when we talk about verbal abuse, we refer to behaviours like the following:

• persistent swearing
• yelling
• sexist comments (both explicit and implied)
• racist comments (both explicit and implied)
• irrelevant personal remarks (eg. about your appearance)
• threats (eg. I'll have you fired, or I'm going to the minister)
• intimidating silence
• accusations of various sorts (eg. calling you a racist)
• comments about your competency, knowledge, dedication

These behaviours are intended to demean, control you. As you go through this workbook, you will learn some ways of counter-controlling these tactics.

Non-Verbal Abuse

Non-verbal abuse refers to behaviour that has nothing to do with what is said, but has to do with things like body posture, facial expressions, gestures, etc. Let's make no mistake about it. Non-verbal abuse is intended to send a message or messages to you, such as "I don't like you", or, "I am fed up", or even "In my eyes you are worth nothing".

When we talk about non-verbal abuse we refer to behaviours such as:

• standing in your personal space . staring at you (long eye contact) . table pounding (sometimes)
• throwing things
• leaning over you (using height)
• fearsome facial expressions
• loud sighing
• pointing
• other offensive gestures

Sometimes, these behaviours may not be intended to intimidate or demean you, and may be a relatively normal way of expressing anger. However, we classify them as abusive, because they do tend to have a manipulating effect on you. As with verbal abuse, we want to take steps to stop these behaviours. Later on we will discuss some counter-measures you can use to avoid being controlled by these non-verbal techniques.

Violence

We can define violence as any activity that is either intended to cause, or can cause physical harm to another person, be it you, a co-worker, or customer. Some actions involving physical contact, such as arm-grabbing or shoulder-grabbing can be legally interpreted as assault, so we include them in this category, even if they cause no physical harm. Other actions, such as throwing things would be considered violent behaviour if there was an intention to cause harm or harm was done.

However, "acting-out" behaviour, such as ripping up papers and throwing them, or sweeping things off a desk are not violent by our definition. Abusive, yes. Hostile, yes.

Just a point or two about physical violence of this sort. Generally, this kind of behaviour doesn't come out of the blue, but is part of a sequence of events that involves verbal abuse. What this means is that by learning to defuse hostility and verbal abuse, you are more likely to reduce the potential for physical violence. A second point about physical violence is that your first priority is to ensure your own physical safety, and the safety of those around you.

For this reason, most organizations will accept that you have a right to remove yourself from a situation, or request backup assistance in situations where you feel physically threatened. Notice that word "feel". You don't have to be absolutely sure a physical threat exists. You just don't want to take chances. If your organization takes a different view, show this to your bosses!

Implications & Key Points

1. While we would like people to like us, and not be angry with us, if we choose this as a goal, we are bound to be disappointed. We try to make our customers happy, but the truth is that many government jobs involve giving bad news that is going to make people unhappy.

2. Anger is a feeling that belongs to the other person. It is hard to affect directly. Hostile and abusive behaviour is another story. We want to focus our defusing efforts on reducing the amount of hostile verbal and non- verbal behaviour. That is a realistic goal.

3. In a later chapter, we will flesh out the notion that abusive behaviour is about control. The hostile or abusive person is trying to manipulate and control you and your decision-making. We want to make sure we don't allow this, and later we will discuss how to "counter-control".

4. We need to provide some leeway for people to express their anger, provided the expressions are not demeaning, insulting or manipulative. If we react to every four letter word, twitch, or raised voice, we will go nuts, and we won't be very good at defusing the abusive situations.

Where Does Hostile/Abusive Behaviour Come From?

While hostile or abusive behaviour is always unpleasant, the better we understand it, the more likely we are to remain in control of ourselves and the situation. Besides this very practical point, it is quite interesting to examine when people learn to be nasty, and what the process looks like. We are going to find that learning how to exhibit angry, hostile and even abusive behaviour is a normal part of the human development process.

What we should point out is that while virtually everyone knows how to be nasty, that doesn't make it acceptable. And, most people, having learned how to do it, also learn that it is not usually socially acceptable. Sometimes, it does seem that a lot of people missed that last bit.

At The Beginning

We are going to take a little time travelling trip, back to the time when you were born. When you entered the world, your task, whether you chose to accept it or not, was pre-assigned. Your goal was to learn how to master your environment, and how to act in it to receive the things you needed to survive (food, contact, stimulation, etc). You needed to communicate with your caregivers, so they would be able to take care of you, but of course, you couldn't say "Golly, I sure am hungry", since you hadn't yet acquired language skills. But luckily, you had other ways of communicating, that didn't require the use of words. You were "built" up so that when you experienced discomfort, you would express that discomfort in ways that your parents could react to. When you were hungry, you might cry, move and kick, and turn red in the face. Or, if you were wet, you probably would cry, move and kick, and turn red in the face. Actually, crying, moving, and kicking and turning red in the face were about the only things you could do, since you hadn't learned much else. Now, what is a parent's natural response to the crying behaviour?

The parent would attempt to figure out what was making you uncomfortable, and then set about fixing the situation. You might be fed, or perhaps your diaper changed. Because your baby behaviour wasn't exactly specific, your parents would have to try a few different things to calm you down. Presumably, after your parents solved the problem, you were much more comfortable. If you look at this cycle carefully, you find a perfect example of what psychologists call the effects of reinforcement. Most people just refer to this as the effects of reward. You naturally showed angry behaviour when you were uncomfortable. This angry behaviour was a signal to your parents that something was required. And, when they did what you "wanted", this reinforced the angry behaviour. What you learned was that crying, moving and kicking, and turning red in the face were dandy ways of controlling your environment. When you did so, magic happened, and you became more comfortable. So, the seeds of learning were sown. You learned, on a very basic level, about angry behaviour.

Later On That Same Life...

In the early years, prior to your learning how to talk, you continued to refine your skills at controlling the environment with your behaviour. At some point, you may have discovered that throwing a toy at the wall was something almost guaranteed to garner attention, albeit unpleasant attention. You learned that grabbing a toy from a playmate could work really well, at least sometimes. You undoubtedly learned to sulk, pout, and make pleading noises. So you got pretty good at that non-verbal stuff. But now you started to learn language...to talk. By the way, learning language is one of the wonders of childhood, since it seems to occur without teaching...almost automatically.

As you learned how to speak, you acquired additional tools to operate on your environment, to control it, and to manipulate it. And, not surprisingly, you learned how to use language in some rather unpleasant ways. You learned how to say NO, and how to ask for things in various tones of voice (begging, whining, angry, etc). You learned that certain words create a big guffuffle (swear words), and discovered you could influence people by using them. You learned the basics of verbal influence or manipulation. Sure, the techniques didn't always work very well, but sometimes they did succeed. And, of course, they generated attention.

So, by now you can see that learning how to control the environment through angry and hostile behaviour is learned very early. As people get older, they get better at it. The truth is that by the time you get to be an adult, most would consider you an expert in it. You know how to do it, how to make people mad, how to get people's attention, how to make other people feel guilty, and how to influence the behaviour of others.

And In Adulthood...

Now, obviously, the fact that you learned these behaviours doesn't mean that you spend all your waking moments being abusive or trying to manipulate others. You were also socialized that such behaviour wasn't good (hopefully). But there is no question that you and billions of other members of the species know how to use these techniques. Even though you may not use them often, you are highly skilled.

Since most people learn that abusive, nasty behaviour is not acceptable, how is it that we see so much of it? Well, the first explanation is that some people haven't learned abusive behaviour is inappropriate, or have some rationalization that they use to make it "seem" justified. But what about the others, people who do know that abusive behaviour is not acceptable? A lot of "regular" people, perhaps most people, on occasion, use nasty or manipulative techniques on other people.

A little more knowledge about human behaviour can help us understand why people use hostile behaviour. Learning is a funny thing, it isn't a question of whether something is learned or not, but rather how well it is learned. In other words some things are not learned well, others are learned pretty well, and some things are learned very well, to the point where a person doesn't even have to think about carrying out the learned task (eg. driving, tying shoelaces, etc). We call these last learned tasks overlearned tasks...things that are learned really well, with lots of practice, so that the person is unlikely to forget.

Ok! Before you start snoozing in the psychology lecture, let me get to the point. We also know that under normal circumstances a person who has learned something "pretty well" will use what they have learned. The exception is when they are emotionally upset. When people are upset, they revert back to earlier, more primitive, better learned behaviour.

So, let's take a concrete example. We have a regular person who has learned a number of communication skills that are effective in conflict resolution, or problem-solving. Normally, when faced with situations where he/she is not overly upset, these skills will be used. The problem comes when the person is very angry, to the point where the adrenaline is pumping. At some point, if they become sufficiently "activated", they will revert back to behaviour learned at an earlier time in life, and behaviour that is well learned, and well practiced. You guessed it. The more primitive angry/hostile behaviours that worked so well early in life re-emerge in the normally rational, calm adult. So that's what happens with your hostile customers.

As a little test of this theory, ever notice that adults who are hostile often behave like small children?

Some hostile customers are habitually nasty. But many hostile customers are normally rather polite people, who get sufficiently upset to revert back to the more childish behaviours they have overlearned during their lives. And, most hostile people, although they may be trying to manipulate you, are not plotting and scheming to get you...it doesn't work like that.

There are very few individuals who actually plot out their strategies in a conscious manner. In a sense, most people are just acting human when they become abusive. They are doing what they are able to do. They don't know how to do things otherwise, given their internal emotional states. Note that this does not excuse abusive behaviour. The point here is that those people are reacting to their internal states and the situation, not to you personally. We will come back to this point when we talk about how you can maintain your own self-control.

The Purpose of Hostile/Abusive Behaviour

Now that we have explained where and when hostile behaviour is learned, we can clearly see that its major purpose is to control, or manipulate the environment. Since we are talking about your hostile customers, we can say that the purpose is to control you, to influence your reactions in the almost naive hope that you will do whatever it is that the client wants. It really doesn't make a lot of sense, sometimes, but the tactics, being imbedded in childhood, really don't HAVE to make sense.

Understanding this helps us discover some critical principles of defusing hostility. The only one we will introduce right now is the notion that we want to avoid being controlled, and that means we must avoid responding to nasty attacks in ways that the attacker wants. If we refuse to be controlled, and we refuse to react the way our attacker wishes, then we will be a good way to stopping the attack.

The Rules of The Abuse Game

If you deal with irate customers on an everyday basis, you may have noticed that there are a lot of similarities in terms of the attacks and tactics people use. In fact, some veterans of the customer contact arena have told us that they almost never hear anything new. They've heard it all before. You are probably very familiar with the body language, tone of voice, specific words, and specific attacks used, since they tend to repeat. The truth is that there are only a finite number of ways people can be hostile. These attack methods are learned very young, and they can vary somewhat from culture to culture. It almost seems that hostile behaviour follows rules. Just like a game, the behaviour that occurs in hostile situations is characterized by certain patterns that repeat over and over again. If we consider hostile interactions as a game, albeit a serious one, and understand that it has rules, then it will help us understand what to do when attacked. Before we discuss the two major rules of hostile interaction, we need to introduce the concept of "bait".

The Bait Concept

Recall that earlier, we said that the major purpose or goal of the attacker is to control you and your behaviour. The attacker wants to take and hold the initiative, forcing you to react and respond to him, rather than the other way around. So long as the attacker can hold this control over the conversation, it is likely that the interaction will continue. This isn't good, because if you are spending your time reacting and responding, you won't be able to help the customer, or even end the interaction in a positive way. The primary technique the attacker uses to maintain control is to use bait. Bait consists of behaviours (verbal and non-verbal) that are designed to get you to react, usually in an emotional manner. If you respond to the bait you hand over control of the conversation to the attacker, which is exactly what he/she wants. The bait is used to upset you enough so that you will be off-balance, as a result of being angry or intimidated. Take a look at the following brief dialogue.

Customer: What the hell is wrong with you. Every time I come here, you hassle me and give me the run-around. If you knew what you were doing, this wouldn't happen. And, this is the last time you are going to do this to me.

Employee: How dare you talk to me like that. I do my best to help and you don't even see that we're short-staffed.....

Customer: I can talk to you any way I want. I pay your salary! You work for me!

If you look carefully at the customer's first statements, what you will find is that almost everything there is bait. The customer's comments are blaming, demeaning and threatening. And nothing in the customer's remarks is useful or helpful in solving whatever the customer's problem might be.

Now, look at how the employee responds. He responds with an aggressive remark (How dare you talk to me like that) followed by a defensive remark. But the important thing to note is that the employee has taken the bait, responded to the attacking remarks, and is being controlled by the attacker. By responding in this way, the employee is giving up control. The customer replies with additional bait. In addition, the conversation is now going far afield. Whatever the original problem, it has now been lost. If this conversation were to continue, we would find that it would get more destructive, and perhaps even more abusive, as both parties will behave badly.

This is typical of situations where an employee takes the bait. The employee's reaction sends a few "sub-messages" to the customer. First, the customer knows he has found some chinks in the employee's armor and now knows that he can maintain control using this kind of baiting behaviour. Second, the customer knows that he can upset the employee. The upshot is that the attacks will probably continue, since the customer is getting what he wants....control over the employee and control over the interaction.

Now, let's take a look at a slightly different scenario.

Customer: What the hell is wrong with you. Every time I come here, you hassle me and give me the run-around. If you knew what you were doing, this wouldn't happen. And, this is the last time you are going to do this to me.

Employee: Mr. Smith, you sound really upset about this.

Customer: Damn right I'm upset. What are you going to do about this?

Employee: I need some information from you so I can help. Can you give me your file number?

Customer: It's B05949.

Note the difference. The employee does not take the bait that is dangled by the customer, and is working to reassert control over the interaction. He does this by acknowledging the person's anger, but NOT exploring any of the bait remarks. At the end of this short dialogue, the customer responds to the employee. This second conversation is much more likely to be shorter, and more productive. The key point is that the attacker expects you to take the bait...it's in the rules of the hostile game.

The psychological rule the attacker uses goes like this: If I use bait, the other person will react to it in ways that will allow me to maintain control. So, you want to break this rule of the game. After all, why should you play this game, which is defined by the attacker. You are going to set up a new game, with a different set of rules, and the first step is to not play by the attacker's rules, on the attacker's turf. The key point about bait is that you don't take it. Recognize it for what it is, as an attempt for the other person to control and irritate you. Later on we will talk about specific responses you can make that take you out of the hostile game, but for now remember that bait hides a nasty barbed hook. Stay away from it.

More Rules

There are a few more rules about hostile interaction you need to know. The reason you need to know them is that they are the rules for the game the attacker is playing, and you don't want to play that game. When you are attacked the rules specify that you will respond, almost on a gut level, with one of two expected responses. You are expected to react quickly and without thought, since you unconsciously learned these things when you were very young.

Rule 1: When attacked you will respond defensively.

This rule specifies that when attacked you will attempt to defend yourself. Often this defense will consist of denying the charge levelled at you. Common defensive responses would be: . I only work here . I try the best I can . We are short-staffed . I am treating you fairly . I know what I'm doing . We don't lose files Defensive statements almost always have the word "I" in them, or the word "WE".

Rule 2: When attacked you will counter-attack.

This rule specifies that when attacked, you will counter-attack, making remarks or comments about the attacker. Common counter-attacking remarks would be: . You have no right to talk to me like that. . You don't know what you are talking about. . Get out . It's too bad your parents didn't teach you manners. Counter-attacking remarks almost always contain the word "YOU" in them, although sometimes the YOU is implied (eg. Get out).

The two rules above define what the attacker EXPECTS from you, according to the game the attacker is playing. It is very important to realize that if you play this game, by the attacker's rules, you will ultimately lose. You will lose time, and you will encourage the attack to continue. Although the above responses may be natural, gut responses to attacks, they almost always make things worse.

So, to summarize this section:

1. Stay away from responding to bait. That attacker wants you to take the bait, and dangle on the hook inside.

2. Avoid responding with defensive statements, no matter how tempting. If you use a defensive statement, you are playing the attacker's game by the attacker's rules.

3. Avoid counter-attacking for the same reasons stated above. Remember that when you do what the attacker expects, the attacker will continue to attack without skipping a beat. The key, as you will see later, is to respond to attacks in UNEXPECTED ways, to force the attacker to think.

What Angry People Need And Want

When you have dealt with an angry customer, you may have asked yourself "What does this person want from me?", or even perhaps asked the customer this question. It is an important question that has a number of answers. Knowing the answers will help you calm down an angry person, and reduce hostile behaviour directed at you.

They Want What They Want

The most obvious answer to the question, and the one most commonly mentioned in my seminars, is that government customers want their problem solved. That is, if they come in expecting to receive a cheque, they want that cheque, or if they are being inspected, they want you to leave them alone. Or, if they call to talk to a particular person, they want to speak to the person now. In other words, the customer interacts with government with a particular goal in mind. Unfortunately, we cannot always do what the customer wants, since we have to work within the constraints of our jobs. We don't always have the authority, or even the ability to meet the requests of clients. So, most of the time we can't give them what they ask for. If clients only "wanted what they wanted" we would have little chance of calming them down, since we can't always accommodate them. Luckily, there are some psychological needs that you can address. Fulfil these needs and you will reduce hostile behaviour.

They Want Help

Angry or hostile people want you to be helpful, even if you can't solve their entire problem. If they see you as making a genuine effort on their behalf, they are much less likely to be hostile towards you personally. Think about your own experience for a moment. Have you ever had the experience of going into a department store to make a purchase? You walked in and had difficulty finding the item you wanted. After searching throughout the store, you finally find a staff person. When you ask the employee where you might find the widgets, you get a response like this: "Don't know. That's not my department." Infuriating isn't it? Why do we get angry in this situation? Sure, it's aggravating that we can't find the item. But what really sends us through the roof is the lack of helpfulness shown by the staff member. If the employee had said: "Golly, I don't know, but if you wait a moment I can find out". that would be an entirely different story. We would appreciate the effort being made for us, and be less likely to harass the employee making the effort. The same goes for your customers. When you make an effort, or appear to be trying to help, your customers are less likely to strike out at you.

They Want Choices

Your clients want to feel they have choices and alternatives. They do not want to feel helpless, or trapped, or at the mercy of the "system". The analogy I like is that of an animal that is cornered. If its only way of escaping is through you, you can be pretty sure that it is going to attack you with great energy. The same is true of your clients. Make them feel that they have no options, or that they are trapped, and they will tend to strike out at you, even if they are the authors of their own misfortune. On the other hand, offer choices whenever possible, and you are less likely to be attacked by the upset individual.

Let's look at a simple example. You answer the phone and the caller asks to speak to Jessica Jones. Ms. Jones is out of the office at the moment. You say: I'm sorry but Ms. Jones is away from her desk at the moment. I will take a message and she will call you back. That's not a bad response, but note that it offers the caller no choice. Now look at another possibility. I'm sorry but Ms. Jones is away from her desk. Would you like her to call you back at a particular time, or would you prefer to call again after 3:00, when she will be available? Much better.

The difference is subtle. The first response offers no option, but the second allows the caller to choose, or in fact to suggest some other possibility that might be workable. The second example is much less likely to set the customer "off". There are always choices to offer. And we know that customers respond positively to being offered choices. It reduces their own sense of helplessness.

They Want Acknowledgment

Perhaps one of the most important things that an angry person wants is to be acknowledged. People want to feel that you are making the effort to understand their situation, and their emotional reactions to it. Often, the simple act of acknowledging that a person is upset will help to calm them down, provided the acknowledgment is phrased and "toned" correctly. The most common error public servants make when dealing with an angry client is to ignore the feelings being expressed, and shift immediately into a problem-solving mode. Unfortunately, customers perceive this approach as uncaring, unfeeling, and unhelpful, thus intensifying their anger. It is critically important that you acknowledge the emotions being expressed. Later, when we talk about specific techniques and phrases, we will explain how to use empathy and active listening as ways of acknowledging the person's feelings.

Section Summary

To summarize, angry customers want you to fix their problem, but often this just isn't possible. Luckily, they also want: . helpfulness and effort on your part . to feel they have choices . acknowledgment of their situation and their feelings By recognizing these "wants", and providing for them, you can have a significant impact on the degree of hostility directed at you.

How Angry Situations Escalate

Angry situations don't always start with very abusive or hostile behaviour. What happens is that even a calm situation can escalate very quickly as each person "triggers" the other. Of course, when one or both people is angry in the first place, there is a far greater chance of escalation. The escalation/crisis cycle is a process where an individual becomes hostile or enters in an angry state of mind, and by virtue of less than optimal treatment, becomes more and more frustrated and abusive. In a typical escalation cycle, the employee over-reacts which in turn, increases the anger of the client. If the cycle is not interrupted, the situation becomes a crisis situation, out of control, where people may be put at risk.

Escalation doesn't have to happen. It is important that the employee be aware of his or her own behaviour in contributing to this cycle, particularly because the employee will bear the stress problems that crises bring with them. When the situation moves to crisis, probability of violence increases, as does the probability that the person will cause unpleasantness after they leave. In many cases, the cycle can be stopped provided the employee is able to step back from the situation, handle it professionally, and not get sucked into arguments or other behaviour that will contribute to the cycle. What is important is that you are able to stop, or prevent escalation right from the beginning. It is a lot easier to prevent hostile behaviour than to deal with it once it has emerged, full blown. The escalation/crisis cycle is diagrammed on the next page. Many of the tactics we describe are intended to stop this cycle.