This Week: May 30, 2001

1) Updates & News
2) Feature Article: Them's Fightin Words Even If They Sound "Nice"

UPDATES & NEWS:

Lots of things to mention.

1) First, thank you to those of you who support the ezine by visiting our sponsors. It's a small thing, and it helps us grow the ezine. We are making some changes, and have added some USEFUL sponsor programs on sexual harrassment training, training videos and a few others. The idea is to make the ad banner and ezine ads useful instead of annoying (ok, there's a ways to go yet).

2) What's new at http://www.articles911.com ? Approximately 60 new articles added. This week we focused on three areas: employee recognition (in the motivation section), small business and technology areas. To look at the NEW material, go to http://www.articles911.com/New (it's case sensitive). For the full library, http://www.articles911.com

3) Some important addresses. The archive for this newsletter is at:http://www.articles911.com/archive. The website to unsubscribe from this newsletter is http://www.work911.com/newsletter.htm and this same one can be used if others want to subscribe.

4) When/ if we continue to grow and hit the 7,500 subscriber mark (or even maybe less), we'll be giving you a free copy of one of our helpcards (not sure which one it will be in electronic, PRINTABLE, usable form. There's a ways to go to get there. You can view our helpcards online in NON-printable form at http://www.work911.com/free/index.htm . There's also a bunch of free book chapters and previews on the same page.

5) Important (if you are a website owner or independent business person!) If you own a website you know how difficult it is to get decent traffic interested in what you have to offer. And advertising online is a challenge since most major ad companies have very high minimum ad buys. We have room to offer two 30,000 impression ad campaigns on work related topics at a very very reasonable rate in the prime spot on our sites. You can also have your ad in this ezine. Since this won't be of interest to most readers, I won't bore you except to say, if interested check out http://www.work911.com/adverts.htm or email at ceo@work911.com

Feature Article: Them's Fightin Words Even If They Sound "Nice"

Ever wonder why people occasionally react in emotional ways to what you say, when you don't think you said anything that deserved such a response? Or ever meet someone who doesn't appear to be manipulative but something about they way they talk brings up warning flags (or worse yet, hackles)?

There's lots of reasons why this happens, since language (even the words, never mind the sounds and tone) are very subtle. So subtle that it's possible to cause conflict and misunderstanding without even be aware of doing it. It's all about how we use language. We're going to look at one basic form of verbal manipulation that is indeed subtle and even if done without intent to manipulate is almost guaranteed to bring a reasonable conversation to unpleasantness.

Words Aren't "Just Plain Words"

A single word actually has a number of different kinds of meanings. First there is the denotative meaning. Basically this is the factual, dictionary meaning of the word. In and of itself this kind of meaning has no emotional content. The next class of meaning I'm going to call emotive (it's not standard but it's clearer than other terms). What we are talking about here is the emotional meaning of the word. The emotive meaning conveys things like emotions, judgment and so on -- our feelings about the thing the word represents.

It gets a bit more complicated, but it's not hard. Let's assume two people talking. One person from a rural setting says: "I wonder if it's going to rain today". The other person, a city person replies: "I don't know if it's supposed to rain". Clearly they both understand the word rain, but the emotive meaning is very different. For one person (rural farmer), the rain is a good thing (unless there's too much). For the city person, the rain is a bad thing because it means the baseball game will be cancelled.

So, denotative meanings are somewhat but not perfectly held in common by most people, otherwise we could never understand each other. However, emotive meanings are often not shared to the same degree.

Now, to the point. There are some words which generally evoke negative emotions in people. We call them "hot words" or "hot phrases". Not everyone will react negatively to them, but most will. For example. The word "bitch" is a hot word that in most people evokes very negative reactions (putting aside context). But to a dog breeder it may not. So what happens if, let's say the dog breeder is speaking to a corporate (non dog-breeding audience) and says: "Well, I've got to get back to my bitch at home". Clearly that will cause distress and conflict, simply from the choice of words. Now, here's the really important part. If the dog breeder said: "I have to get back to my dog at home", nobody in the audience would think badly at all. Because while both words pertain to a dog, the word "dog" has less extra emotive meaning. It is not offensive to most people.

So, when you are talking you should choose the word that has the least "extra" emotional meaning to the person you are speaking with. And be aware that when a person is using these kinds of words and phrases that have a great deal of extra emotional meanings (even if they are outwardly pleasant), there is likely some agenda going on or manipulation going on. Sometimes this occurs in regular folks because they are annoyed or angry, but haven't recognized it yet. So it comes out in some of their words.

Modifier Problems

One of the most common conflict causing usages of language involves modifiers (adverbs and adjectives). The principle is the same. Take a look at these modifiers for the word "management"/

a) touchy feely management

b) fascist management

c) no nonsense management

d) supportive management (or caring management)

Look at a and d. Do they mean the same thing? (a) has an emotive meaning which tends to be negative just because of the choice of words. (d) has a more positive "spin". But the two terms can be referring to exactly the same thing, spun different ways. The same with (b) and (c).

So, to reduce conflict and miscommunication, pick the modifiers that are most accurate for what you want to say, and tend to be as neutral and factually descriptive as possible, rather than relying on these modifiers to express emotion (unless it's called for). If you want to express judgments or opinions don't hide them in the modifiers. Just come out and say it.

Remember that since emotive meanings aren't always held in common, the person you are speaking to may "translate" your words into their more emotive words. For example. You talk about no nonsense management, but the person translates it in his head to fascist management, and raises his hackles. If you do not recognize that you are dealing with different meanings for the term "no nonsense", you will likely get suckered into a useless debate or worse.

Conclusion:

Be more aware of the difference between denotative and emotive meanings of words and phrases.

Keep in mind that the emotive meaning of a word for the other person may be completely different than the one you have. When you get an unexpected reaction, don't fight, but clarify.

Use modifiers carefully. If you are talking about a management style where the manager is very involved in day to day life, say hands-on or involved management. Don't say meddling management, or micro-management unless you want to deal with the negative emotive meanings of those modifiers.

Be aware that people hide their judgments in the emotive meanings of their words. When you come across someone who is using "extra meaning" words, while claiming to have no opinion, don't believe he or she has no opinion. And, be alert to the fact you may be dealing with someone using passive-aggresive behavior.

Finally, step off the merry-go-round of emotion immediately and clarify. If you don't establish common ground and meanings on both denotative and emotive levels, you can't communicate. And if you can't communicate, all you will end up doing is fighting.

This article is copyright Robert Bacal, 2001. Subscribers to the newsletter may share it with others without additional permission but the proper copyright notice, authorship information and website info must be included (see below). If in doubt ask at ceo@work911.com

To read other articles like this visit http://www.work911.com and http://www.article911.com.

PS. We teach team members and employees to use language in constructive and non-confrontational ways. If you are interested in more information, email us at ceo@work911.com

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