This Week: May 16, 2001

1) Updates & News
2) Feature Article: What Are Difficult People After (Book Excerpt)

UPDATES & NEWS:

Lots of things to mention.

1) First, thank you for those of you who support the ezine by visiting our sponsors. It's a small thing, and it helps us grow the ezine.

2) What's new at http://www.articles911.com ? Approximately 40 new articles added. New material on coaching, management, added a new section to list good discussion lists you can join on HR, performance management, conflict, communication (more coming). In particular a number of new material on effective public speaking has been added. To look at the NEW material, go to http://www.articles911.com/New (it's case sensitive). For the full library, http://www.articles911.com

3) Just got back from keynoting the NY State HR conference in Syracuse and hope to post a report on the work911.com website (I'll let you know when it's available). The overheads from the presentation (Mediation-Based Performance Management) are available at http://www.work911.com/ny

4) We streamlined the articles911.com site and removed several popups to make visiting a better experience. We left the popup for joining other ezines, since it seems to be popular.

Feature Article: What Are Difficult People After?

We got excellent feedback on our last article on bullying in the workplace, so have decided to stay with the theme. Below are two excerpts from Chapter 3 of The Complete Idiot's Guide To Dealing With Difficult Employees. Please note that due to contractual arrangements, you cannot reprint this material, although it's probably ok if you pass it on to individuals. The book can be purchased at any bookstore, or through amazon.com at:
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0028633709/bacalassoci

Additional excerpts are available at http://www.work911.com/

What Are Difficult People After?

We’ve explained part of the why of difficult behavior, but there’s still more to the picture. Apart from having learned that difficult behavior is rewarding or lacking the skills to handle a situation better or even being upset, what is it that those darn people want?

Another way of putting it is: If people are difficult because they tend to be rewarded for it, what are the rewards?

From the Manager’s Desk

Some people will respond positively to the things that give them a sense of control. You might try giving a difficult person more responsibility, or soliciting their input more often to see if that has a positive effect.

On the surface of it the whole thing is very puzzling. People who act difficult don’t appear to get what they want. They create grief, not only for others, but for themselves, as people get tired of their acts or react negatively to them. Putting aside that squeaky wheels often get greased, are there some forms of psychological reward that are attached to difficult behavior? Yes, there are, and you need to understand them so you can make sure that these rewards don’t encourage more difficult behavior.

We’re going to look at the most common “rewards” or what people are after in a psychological sense. Again, we need to caution you that many of us, at one time or another, allow these rewards to drive our behavior.

Sense of Control

Perhaps many, if not all individuals have a need to feel in control of their lives and what’s going on around them. Very few people feel comfortable with the idea that their lives and welfare—present and future—are totally beyond their own control. For many the feeling of helplessness associated with things out of control is scary. That’s pretty normal. Most people aren’t “control freaks” but want some feeling of control over what happens to them.

How does this link up with being rewarded for bad behavior or why people are sometimes difficult?

Simple. Many of the difficult things people do have, at their core, the outcome of controlling the situation or other people’s reactions. A person being difficult and creating problems is, in a sense, controlling those around him or her. People react to a difficult person. That allows a difficult person to manipulate, control, and influence, even if the reactions are negative. In a sense, the difficult person is creating those reactions, and there lies the reinforcement. It’s kind of like parents and children. Once children know what the parents don’t want them to do, they have the exact information they need to get the parents’ attention.

Insider Secrets

Some people really are control freaks and want power over others. Most people want something that’s less problematic—some sense that they are in control of their own destiny and not hurtling out of control. Interestingly, there are also some people who are comfortable not being in control because they believe that no matter what they do, others are going to determine what happens to them.

It’s a psychological reward. Even if bad things happen to a person who is difficult, they have created them, and that has, at least for some people, a sense of being in control.

Straw That Stirs The Drink

If you are an old baseball fan you might recall that Reggie Jackson, who played for the Oakland Athletics and the New York Yankees, described himself as the “straw that stirs the drink.” What he meant by this was that, among the 25 players on the team, it was Reggie who was at the center—the player who made things happen. (As an aside he may have been right.)

It’s about ego, really. Some people need to feel they are the central attraction, the star performer, the wonderboy, and that can create problems for others. This particular motivation, of course, causes problems in and of itself, because the attitude is really annoying. But more than that, it explains what some difficult people are after with their difficult behavior.

For example, let’s consider Marie. She’s bright and a good performer but is seen as difficult and hard to deal with by those around her. Why? Because she acts as if she’s perfect. She “knows it all,” doesn’t listen to others, interrupts, and doesn’t take management guidance (she actually ignores it). What does she get out of those behaviors?

From the Manager’s Desk

True star performers who want to be the straw that stirs the drink are hard to deal with. You need to decide if treating someone like a star is likely to make them less difficult or more difficult. It’s tough to know in advance.

First, she gets away with it. People often defer to her because she is often (but not always) right. Or they defer because it’s easier than trying to have an intelligent dialogue with her.

Second, she’s acting like she’s the star performer. She’s reinforcing that she is special or better than others—she’s the straw that stirs the drink every time she behaves this way. She is a legend in her own mind and becomes the star every time she acts like the star.

I’m Not Much So I Have a Lot to Prove

While the person who wants to be the straw that stirs the drink really does think he or she is special and worthy of star status, the “I’m not much but I have a lot to prove” person comes from a different place. Their difficult behavior comes from a need to prove something, to others but also to themselves.

Often difficult interpersonal behavior comes from people who have this strong, almost compulsive need to show themselves and others that they are worth something. So, it isn’t that they are evil or intentionally unpleasant. Rather it is that they are often desperate.

A Reaction—I Need A Reaction

This motivation is actually linked to the other ones we have talked about so far. Believe it or not, some people seem driven by a desire to cause reactions in other people. It’s almost like they don’t believe they are alive and breathing unless they can cause something in people around them. What’s odd about such people is they don’t seem to care whether they generate a positive reaction, like praise, or a negative reaction, like being yelled at. They seem to gain some psychological satisfaction from either.

Is it wanting to control others? Could be. A desire to be the center of attention? Sure. However what is important with people who are driven to create reactions is to not give them what they want, which is some emotional reaction. That means keeping their behavior in perspective so you don’t reward bad behavior.

Weird Biology—Weird Science

Some difficult people actually act out in difficult ways because of their biology. As scientists develop a better understanding of the brain, we will probably find out that more and more difficult behavior can be explained by biological factors.

We mention this here to help you understand that difficult behavior may not be under the complete conscious control of the person doing it. And so you might add a dash of compassion to your negative reactions. The truth is some people (and we don’t know how many) can’t help it.

...CONTINUED

It’s Also About Skill

It’s natural to label people as difficult, or even unbalanced when we perceive their behavior to be difficult, particularly when it seems to be chronic. But there’s another consideration.

Often, the people we label as difficult just don’t know any better. Think about these folks as not knowing how to deal successfully with a situation they face. They are not bad people, any more than a poor baseball player is a bad person, or a poor writer is a bad person. They may not know how to act differently, or how to deal with a specific situation that is causing them discomfort.

Watch Out

It’s easy to mistake a lack of social skills or communications skills for something that is intentionally hurtful or damaging. Be alert to the fact that some people just don’t know how to act more appropriately.

Let’s use an example. You have just told John that one or two aspects of his work performance need some improvement (heck, nobody is perfect, right?). You explain—gently—what could be improved, and tell John that you will help him in the improvement process. You think you’ve handled the situation really, really well.

John becomes sullen and clams up in front of you. At the staff meeting held a week later, John, normally a productive team member, doesn’t say a word and sits, looking bored (obviously intentionally). Later you also hear that John has made some comments about you to other employees.

There’s a lot of ways you could interpret this. John could be some psychotic nut case in development, waiting to explode. John could be just plain angry and out to get you (so it seems). Maybe John has trouble with authority figures because they remind John of his abusive father.

Speculating in this way, however, is not going to help you deal with John’s behavior. In fact doing this might very well interfere with handling this situation well. Here’s another more constructive way to think about this.

Is it possible that John is upset about the critical (but well intended) comments? Perhaps his feelings are hurt? Of course that’s possible. Does that solve the problem? No. But what does help is to realize that John may be upset and not know how to deal with it constructively. John may not know how to express that feeling in a constructive way, or how to approach you to talk about his reaction and what should be done next.

Simply, John may be like a baseball pitcher who doesn’t know how to throw a curve ball. He’s still got to throw something, so he continues to go with what he does know how to do, which is to sulk, express his feelings in destructive ways. He is going to get his message of being upset out. He is going to communicate his unhappiness. He’s just going about it the best way he knows how, and that isn’t a very constructive or useful way.

Also, while it may seem that that John isn’t getting rewarded for his behavior, think again. By acting in his own difficult way, he is likely focusing attention on himself (usually a reinforcing thing), and most importantly, he feels he is expressing his feelings in the way that makes the most sense to him. And that’s definitely reinforcing, at least psychologically.

From the Manager’s Desk

Be alert to rewards or reinforcements a person might receive for bad behavior. People sometimes find odd things rewarding, for example, any attention (even negative attention) or getting easier assignments due to poor performance. Make sure your reaction doesn’t turn out to reward the behavior you want to stop.

Where does all this leave you, the person having to experience all this. First, if you think of John as confused or not knowing what to do, you can be more positive and helpful than if you see John’s behavior as “evil intentional behavior.” Second it helps you address part of the problem here and that is that John just may need to learn more effective ways of expressing his concerns.

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